Shifting Perspective to Lessen Stress

How A Husband Came to Help in the Kitchen

Do you have the stress of differences of how and who should get the household chores done?

It would be a tragedy in life to not fulfill our call to give love and receive love. If we haven't experienced the love of God form those significant in our life, living can be quite painful, and loving those in most need of love can be difficult. We live in a wounded and wounding world, and it is a challenge to not react to someone not being loving, and to choose to love unconditionally.

One can have a custom designed, quality built home--all the creature comforts, but that cannot compensate for dissatisfaction or discord in a marriage relationship. I remember a Reader's Digest quotable quote, "After you're married, its easy to find reasons to divorce, the challenge is to find the reasons to be married."

Last week, I had the opportunity to listen to Ronda Chervin, Ph.D., a philosophy & theology professor, and author give her talk, Freed to Love. Her story was a great inspiration, which she gave me permission to share:

'While dating, courting, it is easy to exhibit all the positive traits of our feminine and masculine nature, but as life's challenges grew, so did the surfacing of the negative traits. When my first children, twins, were 3 years old, my husband became so asthmatic that he was unable to work. I found myself having to work full time, and be responsible for all the house work. I threw myself into the perspective that Christian love meant self-sacrifice, but it is not love when you are seething with resentment. As I clung to my perspective that I was doing everything, I grew in anger. My world became that a good day would mean I got my way. I did not have any good days--and my unhealthiness grew. No matter how great the burden was for me--the children being needy, work being taxing, my being sick, he would never help in the kitchen. He might say, "you look tired, why don't you make us some tea and muffins," and that was the extent of his helpfulness.

One day our parish was having a Mass to celebrate marriage. I was there alone, for my husband was not wanting to participate in such occasion. There I was looking around at all the couples feeling sorry for myself, and reminding myself how he wasn't like how I wanted him to be. The priest asked us all to stand. I stood even though I was by myself. He said, God wants us ALL to love unconditionally, and you can't love if you don't forgive, and God wants us ALL to forgive. It was like God was speaking to me. I knew I was supposed to forgive, but this time I really heard it, even though I didn't fully understand how I could forgive so much hurt! I hung onto my wedding ring and repeated the prayer of forgiveness. As I prayed to God to help me forgive my husband, I felt the anger drain out of me, and healing pour in. I felt changed. I came home, and for the first time ever, my husband met me at the door. I looked in his eyes, he looked into mine and said, "You look tired. Why don't you sit down and let me make you some tea." Shocked and speechless, I let him guide me to sit down. As he went into the kitchen, I sat there pondering how such a miracle could have taken place. Suddenly I knew the answer. When I forgave my husband, all the anger dissipated, so now my husband when he looked into my eyes he could see my heart, instead of just my anger. He could now see my need, my tiredness, and I, in turn, could see his heart now too. With this new perspective nurtured by prayer and Scripture study and participation in Dr. Abraham Low's Self-Help Systems, I came to affectionate perspective that he came from the family of the fiddler on the roof--he's just not the type to do "woman's work" and it would be a rare day to find him in the kitchen. I came to accept him and love him as he was, and focus on his many good traits, and celebrated for what he did give. Yes, my husband was more laid-back as a person, and after his death I would have given a million dollars just to see him relaxed in his recliner emanating his love of life and affection for our family.'

I hope you found this woman's story moving, inspiring, and helpful in making life at your home more love full. One other resource that I have found to be most helpful in finding the joy in life of loving others unconditionally is Dr. Greg Baer's Real Love. We cannot change others, but if we change, others will too!

May 2010 be a year of expanded heart capacity to love! -- a great way to banish life's stresses!